Tuesday 11-15.

I am starting to accept my limitations, When I woke up I thought it was a get dressed day then I learned it was not. When I took Maya out I had the sensations of hammers hitting the back of my feet at each step. I made it about halfway of the block then turned around. I did load the dishwasher though, my back is sure of it, my lower back has a large lump in it I am concerned I have bulging disks there. Would not surprise me nothing does anymore. Tj will be home soon and I haven't even made dinner yet. I better see what I can do.. I love you all and am grateful for my family and my wonderful friends. God bless and comfort all of you who need it.

11-11-11 eh still just Friday.

So another week past and Friday is here, today feels like a dress to walk the dog day. Today is ok thought I have all my kids cuddling somewhere or another. I can feel the storm moving towards us it sucks to be a walking barometer. This week has been hard I have to figure out how to sleep at night. I may have to move into the guest room for a minute I just am not sure why I am not sleeping anymore. I am not sure if we are doing anything this weekend I may make some more bread. I am just glad to have a loving husband to spend the weekend with no matter what we do.

My New Life!

So I have come to the realization that I am not going to get my life back, thus I have started to accept my new life. This life is not as involved or fast-paced but it is My life. This life seems to be slower and not as involved but I think that I understand what I need to do. I need to slow down and plan my days out. The pain is well the pain, I need to figure out how to tune it out while I sleep.
I have only had like three nights of full sleep in the past few months. This is where is gets tricky, if I sleep well I can get a full day in. On the days I don't sleep I'm lucky if I can get dressed I mean really dressed not just take the dog for a walk dressed. Today I have to turn off all the lights and turn the screen down I have a migraine that is splitting me in half. Today is a dress to walk the dog day for sure.

Where did the year go???

Wow! November already, what happened to 2011? Kinda glad though thinking it might be cool if the world ends on 12-31-11.
Really though it has started to get really cold and I prefer winter, it is easier to get warm than it is to get cooled off. The kids get along better too they have to snuggle. I miss the life I used to live and mourn it daily. I am working on looking at what I can do rather than what I can't do. I can walk the dog at least once a day about 15-30 minutes depends on how cold it is. I can make dinners on my good days split them and have one for another day. I can do whatever I can do then I can rest and try again.
On another Awesome note I fell last night and I feel it everywhere. Not sure what happened but I woke up to Tj freaking out. My hand swelled up pretty big then my elbow popped and the swelling went down. It is not bothering me that much but it is hard to tell what pain is from what. I feel like an operation game sometimes, random buzzing and pain.
Tj is such a blessing in my life I don't know how I knew it but I have always know from the moment I laid eyes on him he was the one. I know why now; We had to build a friendship so deep and old so that he would be able to help me through this tribulation. I always count my blessings and am ever so grateful for every one I have. I am grateful to have all the Wonderful Friends and Family that I have been blessed with. Thank you all for your love and support sometimes I forget just how big my support group really is.

What a weekend.

Well I have had a whirlwind of a weekend.
Saturday I had lunch with my Sister Hannah and her mom Joan and her sister Mona.
The children are so grown up and lovely to be around and talk to. It seems just yesterday we were changing diapers and making bottles. Life has gone by so fast and I have been graced to be a part of such a large family and a larger extended family. After lunch I went to Cabellas for feathers (Cabella's is like Disneyland with guns and fishing poles). I wish I could have gone there with Grandpa and Dale. After I got home Tj let me sleep for a few hours so we could make it to the wedding reception. I was grateful to see many old friends and friendships rekindled. Yesterday we took Maya to Liberty park she was at a loss there was so much going on she wanted to see everything all at once. It was so cute. today as you might imagine I feel like I have been run over by a whole fleet of greyhound buses. But after it all I ask myself was it worth it? I answer proudly YES it was. I had a chance and grabbed on to a piece of life. I loved every minute of it and am grateful for the time to share with those I care for.

......

AARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! My legs are not working very well. I am sitting here my calves are freezing being shocked and my toes are not responding. I hate this junk. I wish someone somewhere can find something that will really help with my issues. One day my hands don't work the next my feet. I am so sick of this I have a Dr. appointment today hopefully I will feel better by then. when I try to move my toes I feel electric shocks and maybe a twitch out of one or two toes but it feels like I have curled them all the way in. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I have the hardest time finding self worth lately but I am trying. Tj ius also going to the Dr. he is having a hard time with stress but who wouldn't in his position. I just try to be supportive and hide as much of my pain as I can to lessen his load so to speak.

Maya is having some hard times she is having nightmares Tj thinks she has man issues, I think she is not being woken up properly. We will get this under control I know that if we just learn her quirks and let her get used to ours we will be fine. The cats are being so much more tolerant of her I think in the next few weeks we will see her blossom into a loved pup rather than a stray in another foster home.
Well enough Boo Hoo for today.
loves. XOXOXOX

What has been going on.

Well I know I have not been a very good blogger but with the weather last week I did not spend much time typing. Things seem, to be looking up, I found a lawyer to take my disability case so I feel as though I found a paddle to navigate shit creek LOL.
I was able to spend time with my grandma when she needed me. My great uncle frank passed on Sunday. I never got to spend a lot of time with him but the time spent was valuable. He was a great man with so many stories to tell. He will be missed greatly by so many people, friends and family alike.
My husband is really starting to show signs of stress and I am so worried about him. I am going to take us to the Dr. to see what we can do.
We adopted a new dog or not depends on how you look at it. Maya is a Chihuahua from LA to Utah on an overflow trip. She had been a stray from what we know so she needs a fur-ever home and we can give her one. The cats are still kinda skiddish but they have accepted that they are all in it for the long haul.
Tj is in Idaho today but he is on his way home so he will be here by bedtime.
Sorry I'm a slacker but I love you all. <3'

Madeleine and Amanda vist 2011.

So this last week was spent with my nieces as you may know. Lots of fun, giggles, Nerf darts and Kinect. Mac and cheeseburger Thanks Uncle Tj. They no longer eat Barbie pancakes, but they still drink juice boxes. Madeleine has grown so much she is a young lady already. Amanda is a ham she is so funny she just never runs out of things she wants to know. We looked at old pictures newly acquired Thanks Grandma Larson. I love those girls as much as anyone could, they are the future present and past. I have always loved spending time with them. I remember the day Amanda was born, Dale held her first then he handed her to me. Blessed be that baby girl and her big sister have changed my life forever. Tj and I have enjoyed watching them grow learn and change from babies to young people. Individual traits and characteristics beginning to prepare the journey to Adulthood. I love my Girls with all my heart I will always try to be whatever they need me to be and help the in any way that I can. I say My Girls but that is not fair they are Our girls Uncle Tj is a favorite since uncle Pj was cool.

Saturday & Sunday

Well Tj and I had a yard sale yesterday made a couple bucks not bad for getting a tan.
After we went and bought lunch and picnicked at the park out here in Magna.
All in all it was a great day I had time with good Friends and My Best Friend.
Today we picnicked at Liberty park, then we fed the ducks and geese.
I had a blast I got to share my bread with some kids that was fun.
After the grocery store I am toast, glad it is a three day weekend for Tj.
We get the girls Wednesday that will be awesome.
Anyhow I just wanted to check in Loves.

Illness Unseen (YOU)

I don't know who YOU are or how I came into having YOU but this is beyond.
I am so sick and tired of the control YOU have over me I want to live my life, but YOU do.
What did I do to deserve YOU?
Why do YOU hate me?
All of my struggles all my work.
All my rewards gone.
I earned my life and took every blow it took to get here.
YOU don't own me but YOU run my life.
I hate this damn curse YOU have inflicted on me.
Why would YOU wait in hiding all the while watching.
Waiting till my dreams were lain out on the wall perfectly.
Then YOU, YOU just decide OK too much DONE no more life for me.
I am still here and I am still fighting to stay alive I have not given up, yet....
The days wear on but the outside world can't see YOU, I look perfectly fine to them.
FINE...I would settle for one day one hour with out YOU at this point.
I would like YOU to leave just ME alone with my husband so he can hug me and not hurt me.
One more cast of the fishing pole reel in that 19" rainbow one more time.
One more "Practice round" at the bowling alley with Mr. H and Mrs. H.
One more ride in the car, My turn to drive.
Alas no YOU are here and no one else knows it but me.
I don't know what YOU are but I HATE YOU!!!!
I hate YOU for what YOU have turned me into.
Just Go away,
YOU.

Ugh...

Today sucks I haven't slept for junk in two days, it is kinda hard on the body when it storms in the late night or early evening. I wake up in pain like no other, I sneezed and rather than cold chills it was like fire spreading in my veins but there were goose bumps. Weird huh? I started this at 20 to 8am my hands are pissed so it slow go today. I have no idea of this is ever going to stop but the more I think about I believe it won't. I guess it will do me well to just accept it I just still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Still looking for the silver lining guess I am a hopeless hopeful. There was a positive reaction to this issue in the sense that the Fair weather friends have been disassociated. I did not realize how many friends I had that were not my friends. I am realizing things I would not have otherwise learned till much later in life. There is a silver lining I guess; some of the lessons I have learned are very painful and I think more easily learned later in life.
Loves...

still Wednesday...

So I got up and put dinner in the Crock pot at least, gotta feed Tj it is a true joy though.
There is a sense of pride watching him eat a Home cooked meal. We have had a long year plus in the mostly frozen or quickly grilled food. He is the thoughtful one he bought me a slow cooker cook book. He even went over the recipes with me and made sure we had the ingredients. God I love that man and I know how blessed I am to have him. I know exactly what Dale meant when he said "Don't you hurt him He Loves you." I am loved and that is what keeps me going.
Love is a wonderful thing that bridges any gap and strengthens over time. Ok I'm rambling gotta go.

Wednesday

So here we are wednesday again, more pressure changes and my left foot is turning in so walking is not really an option right now. Tj is working in the valley today so at least he is available if needed. The kids are all over the house it is so hot that they are playing all night so I'm not sleeping. I try to keep them away from Tj so he has enough rest to work smart. I am so tired but it is too hot during the day to sleep. My life is a pretty vicious circle right now and I'm not sure when it is going to change I'm just along for the ride. I have no control and that drives me nuts. I have to say
I hate this body, My hips are hurting as well as my knees no matter bent, straight they hurt.
I wish I had more exciting things to say but that is what today is.
Loves to all and I will hit publish I promise.

Another day....again

So Tj had to go to Vernal today and I couldn't go because he had to take an extra guy.
I would have just had him drop me off in Myton to see "Nanna".
Well the day has been very long and HOT but the barometric pressure is shifting and it is Killing me. I am glad I stayed home after all I guess, lol.
I have to be Insane, I wake up every day hoping for a different result.
Tj is on his way home but I am bored to tears.
well off to bed Loves.

Sorry I hit save not Publish ditz moment.

hair.....

So as you know I had my hair dyed today and I was hoping for Pink but I got way better. There are a few places my black hair dye didn't come out. Those have given so much dimension to my hair. I am so pleased with the results...I'm tickled Pink...(Sorry I love a good pun). I have a few pics on my FB page and I will have Tj take a few more tomorrow at the park. We are going to feed the ducks and geese. I also found out last night my Brothers girls are coming in to visit I am Elated there is not a word to describe the feeling I get when they are with me. Anyway loves have a good night.

Friday

Well yesterday Nanna came over to see me and stay the night.
The only thing that sucked is the migraine that would not go away right eye all the way to the back of my head. It was awesome still just knowing that my oldest bestest friend came to see me :P.
We made fajitas for dinner they were so yummy thank you Rancho Market for doing all the hard work. Not quite sure what today will hold but tomorrow I am going to dye my hair Pink what shade? I dunno but for the first time in my life I do not have to look professional so I am dying my hair pink! I hate this whole drama that is currently my life but I figure I gotta have some fun sometime. I will post a picture likely tomorrow. So until next time loves XOXOXO..

This week.....

So far this week has sucked the Dr they sent me to was a psychologist...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Why the hell do I have to spill my guts to a total stranger....No this one was different he was vcery cold and stated "I don't need to know that, or I don't care about that." I cried all day then slept all day on Wednesday. I am so frustrated I have had a migraine in my right eye back to the base of my skull. Another Glorious side effect of either the medicine or the disease. It gets hard not to just say FML eat the pills, Tj is always the reason I go on. I just love that man. He did take me to the park past week and I got some new pictures.



Well Nannas here lovve you all going to hang out with my best friend.

Wow I wrote this last Thursday

Where did the time go..

Tuesday I did not feel well and slept mostly. Yesterday however I was exhausted from going out. Tj got off early and took me to lunch then he took me to Wally world for Batting to make a Blanket.
I have been cutting squares for this blanket since last year I am almost ready. I found 17X20" squares for $1 think I may be able to get it done sooner with those as fillers. I am not however sure what to use for the back. I am thinking fleece because we have such cold winters. Anyway to make a long story short he ran me all over now I am exhausted. He has been so thoughtful and making sure I get out of the house. I love that man more every day, not a day goes by that he doesn't do everything he can to try to help me. Anyway mushy....

The weekend

Tj and I went to the park again yesterday Liberty park is no longer just your hippies hangout.
I love the updates they have made the park benches, the water play area but the gazebo on the lake. This is a picture of the bridge that goes to the island. I am going to take a lunch next time and eat out on the island. Next weekend is busy, Birthday, Wedding.
Can't wait

Tomorrow is friday

Sorry I have been less than prompt this week, I would like to place the blame on the weather.
We had hail the size of dimes outside and I have no Bear dog to snuggle with the thunder is loud and I can feel the lightening before I see it. The storms wash over me like a wall of water traveling average freeway speed. Sorry I have to go but this weekend is supposed to be good I am willing it.
We are going to have a yard sale hopefully clear out some stuff from the basement. May next week bring better weather and spirits because we all need both.

Tuesday

Well my feet went have been binge eating again, thinking I may have to just give up shoes all together. Nothing fits, my Adidas slippers are cute but Damn.. I keep trying to cross my legs ha ha ha stupid idea; I am sick and damn tired of this garbage. I want a Pepsi and have no way to get one. These are the times that are hard: I am only 32 years ago but a walk to the store is impossible though it is only 4 blocks away. My legs are numb from the shins down, I keep talking to my toes but they do not respond. I am so scared that this will not be the worst of it. How can I be a housewife if it consists of sitting in bed wanting to stand up I am afraid that is not enough, what am I? Did I ever think Tj would leave NO!!! Tj is the most consistent part of my Whole Life. After all we have been through there is not a worry in my heart about my marriage. I am however afraid I have not been as focused on making him see his value as I have not found mine. I am working on it.... tomorrow is another day the concern will change but the blog address will be the same. LOL sorry Puns I love them.

The weekend

This weekend was not bad at all other than I had to postpone the yard sale again stupid weather.
I did get Tj into the crawl space to help get things organized. I am getting rid of Everything well alot. I am just done having so much stuff and no where to put it.
We went to the park on Sunday it was quite fun. I got a feather extension in my hair it is pretty cool I did curl it and it styled right with my hair. Thinking I may take it up as a money making idea, I still have hemp too I could do those too. I wish I could say I feel better or even ok but the B pressure is still killing me. I wish it would just leave stupid weather. Sorry I did not put this up yesterday.

Thusrday almost Friday...

Today is a good day, I was able to vacuum the house load the dishwasher and am quite proud.
I get to see Grams tomorrow I am so excited I love Friday it is out of the house day. I think I may ask Grams if we can go feed the ducks. I can't remember the last time we did that. Well so much for that idea. Grams came with the cousins stayed for like 30 minutes and left. I am glad to have seen my cousins but at what cost. Grandma comes to see me most Fridays just to get out of the house. Nothing big maybe lunch maybe not but since she came with the cousins yesterday i just have to look forward to next week. I'm starting to hate my house I feel trapped like a prisoner in my own home. Sorry it's late no post today see ya Monday.

It's Wednesday...

Today is not nearly as painful as yesterday, today it seems to be mainly in my feet. I will probably stay in bed till Tj gets home today. He has made sure that I have everything from TV to fridge so I really don't have to go downstairs if I don't feel safe. My cousins are supposed to come see me tomorrow how nice to have visitors. I have to say I could have it worse I know some who do. I am very grateful for what I do have and though we argue about stupid crap Tj is and has always been the best thing that ever happened to me. So the day is over and no stupid arguments pretty smooth evening. Tj made dinner grilled burgers on whole wheat buns and it was just right. We did have a few issues. My left foot went on vacation without the rest of me. TJ is a peach he helped me up the stairs and into bed. He even got my drink for me and was not mean or snappy at all. I hope tomorrow is better than today cuz today is way better than yesterday.

Tuesday just another Tuesday!!!!

Today sux my hands hurt so bad I can barely hold my coffee cup, I'd like to get a hold of the jerk that hit my hands with a hammer. No but really I think it has to do with the monsoon junk and really interferes with the plan I had for the day. I wanted to scrapbook for Bear, he was such a ham I bet I have over a thousand pictures of him. I miss my baby I miss the companionship he provided and the unconditional love. I know he is not in pain anymore but I am.
I was not able to get any scrap booking done I did however make Tj some cranberry and orange muffins for work snacks. We argued over more and more of the same crap today. I fell into a dark place when he woke me up and just couldn't find someone to talk to or should I say someone who would hear my crap and take my side. I have to have faith that God will show me a way to navigate the path life has come to. I pray that he will help me find the strength and comfort I am going to need to work through the coming months. I will try harder to be positive tomorrow but in the end today sucked.

The weekend; Tj's Birthday.

So I have decided not to post on the weekends to be able to spend more time with Tj.
His birthday was on Saturday but we really did not do anything, well he didn't.
He found some fabric at Wal-mart and asked that I make a pillow the length of the bed. I used three bags of filling to stuff it.
We argued over dumb things like we always do. I did make the pillow and it was a great success. I love it and so does he, I hate arguing though it takes so much out of me over nothing. The new med regimen is to blame I believe, all I want to do is sleep and he is the only one to wake me up for meds. thus poor Tj gets the mean one.
We did spend some good time together and I would never trade any of it.
I wish I had more energy but lately I sleep on average 6-7 hours a day, I can't keep my eyes open. I know that the med change will not be like this forever. Tj and I are working on accepting that this is permanent and may ease but will never go away. I have been hearing a lot more popping in my joints my feet are the worst. I hate walking though I make myself do as much as I can but when it hurts to stand why do it? I think about Tj and up I go. I hurt but to have him caused discomfort causes me the greatest pain.
I love my husband and know why no matter what changed or how long since we had seen each other one look in his eyes and the rest of the world ceases to exist.

Just another day.

So today I vacuumed upstairs and down thought about dishes but I am still vibrating from the vacuum. We had a funny thing happen last night one of the cats playing on the table and turned on the TV at like 4am... Tj was pissed. ha ha... We have the new sink in Tj will set it when he gets home. The caulk should be dry and I should be able to brush my teeth in the bathroom rather than the kitchen. Other than that not a lot going on. My cousin Christopher came to see me today I have not seen him for a while and I believe he is on the right path now I was very worried but for now just glad he is going in the right direction. Tj and I went to Sam's Club and then to Scattys we had the chicken basket it was good. The one we went to is on 3rd west and 1700 s I liked the food but the lady next to me had halibut and said it was really greasy FYI. I want to go there for breakfast berry and cream cheese stuffed pancakes mmmmmmmm....sounds awesome. Oh, oh the sink works WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO. so excited to brush my teeth in the bathroom. I will post a pic later. Well loves off to bed for me, sleep well.

Well the day was not a total loss.

I did some work today and hurt like hell but my self value is up.
Tj and I had purchased a new faucet for our bathroom sink only to find the sink leaks. I woke up and had one purchased for Tj to pick up on his way to work. he was not happy to have to work all day and to that again. I wanted to help I knew how frustrated TJ was, so I cleaned the old Caulk I undid the new faucet. I then undid the plumbing and took the old sink out so all Tj had to do was drop it all in and fasten it. I would not say the work was hard by any means but tell that to my Body. My head feels like a gravitron if you remember those, my body feels like I spent too long in one. I know I will never be able to reach the levels of energy I once had but I can and will keep on taking advantage of what energy I have.
I am only 32 not 90 and I will keep on trying to remind my body of that.

Where to begin?

It all started about a year and a half ago as a pain in my right arm. I fought and fought with the stupid worker's comp doctors they said there was nothing wrong. After jumping through hoops for 8 months two EEG's an MRI and a visit to the spinal specialist. In February I had to quit working and driving. now I am to the point my husband does not allow me to go out of the house alone.
So the actual diagnosis: herniated disks in my cervical spine and thoracic spine, cervical spondylosis, and fibromyalgia. Life has changed quite a bit I am no longer able to bowl and do the things I really enjoy but I try to do whatever I can.
Without Tj I would not be able to live I can no longer take care of myself.
He has been such a support he takes me out to walk makes sure I still run the household as much as I can. I could complain about what I have and what I can't do but I can at least give some understanding to those on the outside.